My friend used to complain to me that her daughter lied and hid things from her. I often joke that “it’s a good thing because her creative right brain is very intact and functional.”

Children with or without ADHD lie for the same reasons we lie. Everyone lies. Let’s be real and honest.

How many times does your spouse or boyfriend ask you, “baby, are you ok?” and you’re like, “I’m fine,” even though you’re obviously boiling inside to stop the argument or avoid confrontation?

Or how many times have you bought something behind your spouse’s back, either denying the purchase or underreporting how much you actually paid for it.

Or you told your kids you’re out of money or out of something so you don’t have to give them what they want? Or do you call out sick when you just want to stay in bed and not go to work?

Lying frustrates many parents. It is extremely aggravating to know that your child is not telling you the truth, and the more you push and dig, the worse the lying gets. Parents often cringe at the thought that their children would “lie” to them.

When our children lie, it becomes a big deal because now this misbehavior translates to you being a bad parent. Your child’s lie is perceived and reflected negatively on your parenting ability to raise an honest child. It also hurts your ego in that your child breaks your unspoken cardinal rules of honesty. Most parents believe that honesty is a very important value to teach their offspring. And that’s why it is a big deal.

Children lie just like adults to deal with life. We all want real honesty, but can you really handle all the truths? We lie to avoid confrontation, punishment, consequence, judgment, shame, guilt, rejection, etc. So it does not reflect on your parenting skills or your child with malicious intent to hurt anyone.

It is a form of protection mechanism we all use to protect our relationship with people closest to us.

Children rely on their parents or other adult figures in their lives for survival. When their parents or adult figures get upset at the child, the child’s response is that my parents or guardians would not love me anymore, which threatened their survival.

So children lie and do things to please their parents and adult figure in their lives as a protective mechanism for survival. Their lying is not out of spike or with malicious intent like most parents think.

But ADHD children seem to lie a lot more often. Do they really have a defective brain that makes them lie more than neurotypical kids? Or is it because they have ADHD and face more opportunities to be punished, confronted, judged, etc?

Children with ADHD don’t lie and evade because they are morally deficient. For them, it’s simply a coping mechanism to help them avoid perceived “danger.”

Remember that kids with ADHD are more creative and think way outside the box because they have to find their own way of doing things. So they do more random things, make more mistakes, get into more trouble, play a little more aggressively, and sometimes upset others without intending to. Because of that, they do get more criticism, judgment, rejection and punishment from adults and peers.

Children lie because they sense that if they tell the truth, they will get in trouble. And if they get in trouble, you will go away. They basically don’t trust you. I can hear you scoffing, “I am going to leave my child at the local fire station for lying about fighting with a sibling?” No. I don’t think that. But when we give children “the look” angry eyes, punish them, put them in a timeout or send them to their room, the alarm in their little brain goes wild – “mommy doesn’t love me anymore,” or “I have to be perfect in order to be loved.”

That’s because the primary need of all children is to feel loved and connected to their parents. When they are babies, the only connection they know is physical closeness through touching or being held. As children get older, this closeness becomes more emotional.

So, when your child has done something “bad,” their brain flies into action. “What can I do to make Mommy and Daddy not mad at me?” And because their brain is young, it creates a lie. Sometimes the lie doesn’t even make sense. Their brain is doing everything to avoid feeling rejected or separated from you. The brain thinks lying is the best solution to protect her.

In neurotypical children, lying appears in 3 to 5 years of age, and if the child is not punished for it, it will usually go away on its own. But having an ADHD child who is also intense changes everything. Your ADHD child is facing more challenges that are resulting in more misbehavior and more lying driven by fear, and we can help her with this.

By virtue of her brain feeling more (the intensity) and her impulse issues (ADHD), ADHD children get into trouble more often, over and over again. Her prefrontal cortex (pretty immature in even the average 6-year-old) is overloaded with sensory information. Before her brain can even sort through consequences, empathy, and compassion, her body has acted. The train has left the station.

To make all of this even more fraught, your ADHD child is way more sensitive. This means that even as she walks easily into trouble because of executive functioning issues, she also feels that the family is “against her” (even if you are trying to be kind and compassionate).

Being intense or sensitive means that your child’s brain will often guard them against feelings that are too painful, and sensitive children appear to not be able to “learn their lessons” as other children would.

Is she sensitive because she has ADHD? I don’t know, but I am guessing that her brain is quickly alarmed by even the smallest negativity.

Another thing I see often is children sneaking snacks into their rooms behind their parents’ backs. The parents often get so angry. But they didn’t realize that they had created this. If the parents let their children have the candies, or whatever snacks in the first place, then they wouldn’t have to sneak behind their backs.

If your children lie, play along with them but subtly let them know that you know the truth but not making a big deal out of it, and you can, in a simple matter-of-facts way, ask why they lie.

If you ask with kindness and compassion with an intent to understand, instead of trying to punish and teach them a lesson. They’ll learn that it’s safe to confide in you if anything happens and come to you for advice. After all, you don’t want your child to get life advice from bad influences that he or she hides from you.

We’re all been little before. So think back to your own childhood and put yourself in your child’s shoes as a little kid. Then, you’ll understand their behaviors.

Here’s what to do instead.

1. Understand that children don’t lie to upset you. There’s always a reason behind their lying. The lying could be a scream for help and attention.

Before you punish them for lying, ask them why. When you ask them from a place of love and compassion, they’ll open up to you. Even in a court of law, every person accused of any crime is considered innocent until proven guilty. So your child deserves a chance to explain themselves.

2. Ask yourself if your child’s action is age-appropriate?

Stop labeling your child as a “button-pusher.” Her misbehavior is not intentional. Additionally, it makes you angrier with her because you keep waiting for her to just “stop it,” but she needs your help. Write this on a note and stick it up: She is not misbehaving and lying intentionally.

3. Let go of the idea that she’s lying to manipulate you. Lying is a function of her brain defending herself from being punished or disappointing you. She is not trying to hurt you or manipulate you. She is not throwing “anyone under the bus.” She’s just a child who is doing the best she can to feel loved and connected to the people they trust the most in the world, her parents. This will help you to find your empathy and compassion for her.

4. Intervene before she finds herself in a mess. If you know she is struggling with her siblings, you have to help her navigate more. This may mean she needs more supervised activities, more time with you, and less independence from other family members. This will proactively help her not steer right into a disaster.

5. Stop the negative repercussions of her actions. Yes, this will make your head spin, but I think you and I both know it is making everything worse. If the punishments worked, you wouldn’t be reading this. Your child’s lying is their scream for help and attention. Your child needs help and compassion, not another lecture or punishment. But punishment only creates more separation and bigger distance between you and your child. Punishment makes your child afraid to come to you when they get in trouble or when they need help because they don’t want to upset you or, worst get punished. Punishment also increases their likelihood of continuing to lie in the future to preserve.

One last thought.

Why did your child try to lie or hide the fact from you? If your child is in trouble, wouldn’t you want your child to come to you for help? Or do you rather your child goes to their friends for help?

Also, ask yourself why you’re so triggered by your child’s age-appropriate dishonesty.